What "Minor Feelings" taught me, Filipino version
The ultimate guide to your own Asian-American reckoning.
One of the things that haunted the most from reading Cathy Park Hong’s Minor Feelings: An Asian-American Reckoning was the chapter called “Portrait of an Artist”. In this chapter, she intimately talks in depth about the life of Theresa Hak Kyung Cha, an artist who was brutally murdered that went unreported. A photographer, poet, and artist who was, and is still, praised and celebrated, and yet this part of her history was erased.
The reason why it haunted me was, not only because of the horror of her murder, but how society was unable to look at her beyond the artist. Critics have explained that they don’t want her to be known for her murder and “They probably don’t want to retraumatize her family,” as Hong’s Asian-American scholar told her (pg. 157). But people forget that everyone knows Sylvia Plath as the depressed poet who stuck her head in an oven - and even yet, she’s still recognized as one of the greatest female poets in literary history.
Why wasn’t her murder reported? Especially since it happened in one of the most iconic buildings in New York City. This was the question that Hong explored throughout this chapter; in general, this lack of recognition of the Asian-American identity in artists and writers resonated throughout the entire book. When Cathy talked about the struggle of finding a therapist that understood her concerns, the idea of self-hatred. How Asians don’t go crazy so they don’t need a therapist.
I remember my parents criticizing me for wanting to speak to a therapist; they thought something was wrong with me. Whenever I had my mental breakdowns where I’d scream and cry and bang my head, my mother would confront me: why are you acting this way? When I talk back whenever I opened up and I’m dismissed, they see me as being ungrateful or disrespectful - I had a half an hour lecture from my lola about how I should never talk back to any member of my family. She told me that my family loves and supports me, but sometimes I question that when I am dismissed or ignored or overlooked when I open up.
I love my family and I know that they do everything they can to ensure that I succeed and that I am supported. But sometimes they do it in a way that can seem distant. There was a time when I refused to speak to my sister for two months because she told me that I was “throwing my life away”, since I was bar hopping and drinking and partying and having fun over the summer in New York City. She threatened that if I didn’t do something with my life, that I was going to be stuck in retail for the rest of my life and that I wasn’t going anywhere with my career as a journalist. I didn’t like the criticism, especially since I am only twenty-one who’s just starting to enjoy life.
I’ve been told that I am ungrateful, that I don’t appreciate all the things my family does for me. Which isn’t true. There is a part of me that believes I don’t deserve it. A part of me that thinks they’re doing too much or going overboard just for me. A part of me that is concerned for all this weight and pressure for me to succeed. The pressure to live the life that my parents sacrificed and suffered for.
These are amongst some of the topics that Cathy Park Hong covers in Minor Feelings. Pressure, self-hatred, being grateful, fulfilling all these expectations. All of which relates to the idea of being Asian-American.
I highly recommend you read the book and let me know what you think! Does Hong’s words also resonate with you and do you feel the same way?